I haven’t been writing much these last two weeks but that does not mean that I did not find inspiration to write about either! Last weekend I was in Amsterdam, my former hometown, where I have partied for the very first time in a year. This was a very inspiring and surprisingly empowering experience that I would love to share with you!
I needed to get rid of old limiting beliefs about myself and the patterns that I had created because of that, in order to transform myself in the person I am becoming.
That’s a pretty long sentence isn’t it?! But it pretty much captures the whole meaning for me and my growth. Now, when I decided to make these steps to change, I did this in a way that would not let me be tempted any more. I moved to the other side of the country where I could totally be this new found me. The challenge is ofcourse to go back to where you left the ”old you” and see how the ”new you” adjusts. THIS is exactly what happened last weekend! To paint a picture for you guys of what it felt like, I need to do a comparison of the ”old me” versus the ”new me” partying.
The ”Old Me”
I have always loved dancing that is something that has never changed. What did change is my attitude towards partying. The old me was running away from her truth. She was always looking for the next party, the next chance to feel the rush and thrill of alcohol, drugs and just getting in the zone of simply getting away from reality. Underneath this wild and careless and free facade, was a frightened and hurt little girl afraid of becoming her real self.
When the partying stopped being a form of relaxation and recreation and became something to identify with, for me that was a problem. I was the party girl. I did not know any better. And you know why I stayed in that image that long? Because it was comfortable! Because I knew how to be that girl! Because the thought of change and trying to aim for the stars was just downright terrifying to me! I was scared of really coming home to myself and therefore I just danced it all away.
Matter of fact when we are really being naked in our truth anyway we might as well add to this that I was also insecure of myself. My self esteem was not really high and being surrounded by beautiful and seemingly confident people in a place was quite intimidating. Having a few drinks really helped to get rid of that self conscious feeling and just let go to dance and have fun.
Being under the influence gave me a false sense of confidence.
And there you have it! The honest truth about my old self going to parties. Let’s shift the focus to the present time!
The ”New Me”
Last weekend I was on ”the scene” again but this time it was in a new me: new mindset, new confidence, new sense of self, and new vibration. I must admit I was pretty excited and maybe even a bit nervous to get confronted with these old surroundings. Part of me was scared that I would not feel comfortable enough to survive this new belief, and I would fall into the trap of substances again. Not that I am against substances. Let me make that clear. I think the magic word is balance and for me right now that means drinking almost no alcohol. (with that I mean: I have drunk alcohol literally four times in 2015) But that is FOR ME and MY PATH. What someone else does is what they do. I am not here to judge anyone, only to share my truth and spread some love.
And love was definitely abundant last weekend! The crowd was exuding nothing but love. There was not one moment of negative energy. Everyone was dancing and sharing good energy between each other. Maybe I saw this because I was this too. There was no insecurity, no fear and no running away from myself. I was there completely and consciously. Inside of myself there was a knowing that all was perfectly fine.
I danced my legs off. I laughed. I hugged. Because of all these good vibes I even experienced a natural high and that felt amazing!
I felt incredibly proud and empowered within myself that I came such a long way in this year! The timing was perfect and the festival Vunzige Deuntjes was also the right place for me to go after one year of not partying. What the ”New Me” really showed me was that underneath all of these ”Old Me” patterns was actually the same old girl. I just became more of my true authentic self. So I did not really change much, I just grew and got more comfortable in my own being! This is a great thing to realize though! Sometimes we talk down on ourselves more than we should, until something shows us how awesome we are. 🙂
Shout out to Amsterdam