I was a Wombman

wisdomI know my blog is a very personal one, but as you might have noticed I am slowly opening up more lately. Where I tried to ”hide” behind a more general speaking format when I started this blog, my latest writings are more personal. As I am currently flowing towards an opening of ALL parts of my being, a need to express my more intimate challenges has risen up. For a few days I have been contemplating writing/expressing this part of my self and I was trying to avoid the matter. It is quite terrifying being so vulnerable, so I did not want to go there. But I feel deep into my womb that in order to truly heal and free myself of all blockages, I NEED to do this. The subject has been carried with me for years now wrapped into cloths of shame, weighted by layers of guilt on top of that. 

As I am trying to write a poem about it I notice how I am blocked creatively. Words do come out but they all seem fake and shallow to me, distracting from what goes on within. I cannot write a poem about it obviously. The only sentence that really resonates with me right now is:

 I was a Wombman before you came and took away my power.

I still am a Wombman now, rediscovering my power, my softness, my sensuality, my sexual energy. My womb has been carrying a lot of trauma with her, and I was not able to receive this knowing. For years I was so far removed from her, and my body awareness in general. As a child I was very sexual, my energy flowing freely, but emotionally my parents did not always honor my boundaries. This resulted in  me not being rooted: I did not learn how to have boundaries. In my teenage years this caused a lot of rebellion, limitless behaviors, and I attracted a relationship that was very traumatizing. It involved abuse, emotionally and physically, which I have never been honest or open about publicly. After two years of being in that relationship I was literally ‘out of my body’ to cope with all the hurt and trauma. Coping with it was only possible if I created a survival mode for myself: Running away from the pain.

wombThis meant that I was  partying, using drugs jumping from and into relationships to distract myself from the wounds I had inside of me. Being very analytical I always ‘talked away’ my issues: Because I was always very aware and articulate, even psychologists and therapists were fooled by my antics. It always seemed as if I got it all figured out and from the outside I seemed very strong and secure. All the while within there was this little girl trying to carry all of this pain by herself. She did not have a voice. She did not know how to heal. She did not stand a chance because this little girl was me and I was too busy ignoring her, simply because the confrontation was too much for me to handle at that point.

Fast forward: The now. As I am a decade further down the road, I can finally say that I am ready to truly deal with this trauma. My womb has been giving me signs for almost two years that it is time to take on this journey. I am literally bleeding outside of my periods, without any probable cause. Doctors tell me to take artificial hormones so that the symptoms disappear, but I know I need to go to the core issue here: The energetic trauma that is causing this. Yesterday I was at a Red Tent Womens circle (more information click here.) and while we were practicing a release ritual I started feeling a pain in my womb. I knew this was unhealed trauma and pain, not only from this lifetime, but also from all the generations before me. When I went into the bathroom I noticed that I had lost blood. My womb is literally in pain and shedding and releasing.

I was a Wombman before you came and took away my power.

dsc_0064Time to take back my power, heal myself for good. It is hard to create a space of love and really receive the messages my womb is giving me while in this state. Part of me is so angry and frustrated with her. Like, why the hell would you just bleed out of nowhere?! Can’t you just function the way I want you to function? Then I remind myself of how I haven’t been in tune with my womb for years. How my womb is just screaming for attention: literally telling me ‘Here I am’  and ‘You can’t ignore me any longer’. Well she does have my attention alright. My womb is a sacred channel connecting me to the womb of mother Earth and the Cosmic womb. In order to receive all guidance, first I need to clear and release all blockages. I have faith and believe that what ever I am going through right now, will assist me on my journey of stepping into my power and purpose here on Earth. It all sounds so easy writing it down, but it truly has been and still is a challenge. That is how I know deep down that this is something really significant that is going to play a huge part in my lifetime.

For now, I feel very vulnerable putting this out there. The first step into taking back my power is a fact. Time to reclaim my Wombmaness, my magic, my force, my softness, my warrior spirit. Time to reclaim me, wholesome and complete.

 

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Surya Tanya