I have been running. Away from myself, away from the me I used to be. Not knowing how to stand firm in a new light, in the same situation. Ashamed even, of the idea of who I was, and unable to give myself the space to allow myself to grow. They say you have three reactive modes: fright, flight or fight. And even though there is a fighter in me that never gives up, flight has been my most used mode. I have perfected it into something you wouldn’t even recognize right away as flight. Maybe it would even come off at times as me fighting. But in truth it is based on this terrifying idea of me not being able to deliver the things I have promised to others but also to myself. There is a foundation of non-believe in the core of it all. I do not believe I have changed. I do not believe the person today is a different person from the person yesterday. And because of this disbelief I disable myself to be free. I still hold myself hostage in an identification of self that doesn’t quite recognize the new. This identity of self still lingers in the past, holding onto every mistake I have ever made. Not realizing that I am the only one doing so. In my head there is this fear of being exposed, of people figuring out who I really am. As I am writing this honest article I see how it can come off as quite insane. (I even think it is insane.) But it is something that is inside of me and therefore I need to release it out into the open so that it no longer has any power over me. Because there is an internal knowing within me that knows who I am today. That knows I am not my past mistakes. That knows I have grown and evolved into the authentic being I am right now, in this very moment. That knows there is no past, nor future, only right now. That knows that right now I am all that I ever was, am, and will be. But I am not writing about that part of me. I am writing about the lower part of my being, the energetic part that stays in the third chakra: the solar plexus. This is the energy vortex of willpower and it is blocked by shame.
Shame blocks you from being free as an individual. It is something that makes you want to hide away afraid of being exposed for the world to see. It also colors your perception. My shame has led me to believe all these horrible truths about me that aren’t even real. This holiday I went back home and I was confronted with someone from the past. To be honest, these confrontations were very scary for me because I felt as if they would expose who I really was. But when I saw this person, it only showed me how much I have grown. AND how my past was not all that bad after all. It made me realize that the only way of healing my shame and stopping my running coping system is by exposing myself, opening all the way up, and showing the world and myself who I really am. Without any shame, without any fear, just lovingly accepting.
Ofcourse I understand where my running dynamic comes from. As a young child I harbored a lot of unresolved pain. Pain that I did not know how to deal with being so young and inexperienced. The only way to deal with that is to run from it so that I did not have to deal with it. This became the only thing I knew how to do in my teenage years and after that as well. I ran from everything that made me feel uncomfortable and it influenced my careers, relationships, self esteem and decision making. Running became a habit that I did not know how to control. People often labeled me as being impulsive or restless, without understanding what lied beneath. Funny how the exterior can be so different from the truth within! That is why it is a survival tool. We create this exterior that is totally distracting people from the real person that is inside, which is often terrified and alone but doesn’t know how to ask for help/admit even to themselves that they need healing in the first place. I started this article two weeks ago and I am glad that I am finishing it just now because the last two weeks really added to my reflection process about this. I am healing and it is a beautiful process. A never ending process by the way, since the journey started exactly two years ago. There is a social work model that says people are like onions. This onion model shows all the different layers that a person is made up of. The exterior being just one layer to it all. You could say I have been peeling away all these layers since 2014. Layer after layer more truths are revealed and I come closer to my authentic self. I am truly amazed every time by what I find within. We all carry around treasures within ourselves, I think it’s time for us all to open up and reveal them. Not only for ourselves, but for the world.