So I have been getting really really really confronted with myself the last week. Seeing clearly the lies I tell myself. And even though I am utterly grateful for these insights and the clarity I have received, it is never easy or fun to see the parts in yourself that are not that great. This has caused me to be hyper sensitive, cranky and isolated. I needed to give myself the space to process everything. I needed to create a loving environment for myself, without judgement. Without kicking myself while I’m already down.
Instead, I am learning a new way of coping with certain situations. I have been getting into a lot of new situations, where I am tested as a person. How strong am I? How trustworthy am I? Those kind of questions are coming to the surface and I suddenly saw where my Ego or this shadow part of me comes into play and starts sabotaging everything. Or at least, so she tries. This week I clearly saw how I am not confident about my power in some situations. I saw how I am choosing to let fear decide for me. I saw how I am choosing avoidance instead of confrontation. Fortunately I have been in situations similar like this in the past, and so I know how to see the patterns sooner. This way the damage can be prevented. BUT, it was a tough cookie to deal with.
What I have realized is that I have been victimizing myself for years. Not in the public eye (ofcourse) because my shame and guilt would not let me do that so openly. My clever shadow self has created a way to do this in the dark; by creating a false mask of self. This mask is the person I was/am to the outside world. But because I was this person was such a long time, I myself started thinking that this was the real me. I was fooling myself and the world around me all at the same time!!!
So what this false self would do is say things to me. Things that would make me feel inadequate, worthless, unlovable and you name it. This started to become a habit since I was doing it for so long, and you know what happens with habits? You forget all about them and they just repeat themselves subconsciously. The result? I had NO IDEA I was doing it while doing it! That was up until last week when a situation occurred and I kind of catched myself in these lies I told myself. I realized then that these shadow self had been hiding within all along. Masking itself through a false sense of self love. YES, I had quit my destructive behavior. YES, I had started eating healthy. YES, I had stopped talking down on myself aloud, but what I hadn’t noticed was that this talks just evolved into another way of sabotage. And now that I have become aware of that I am humbled. Truly humbled. I realize now that this path is not a straight line. It is all about cycles of deeper truths within deeper truths. I am still learning how to love myself.
Everyday a little bit more. And with that self love comes also TRUTH. Being real enough with myself to realize where I am my own poison. Being real enough with myself to accept that and love myself through it. I don’t need to be perfect, I just need to be truthful. Because there is where my power lies. And there is where my healing is found. That is also part of the reason why I started this blog. I decided that I wanted to change myself for the better, and to be vulnerable like this and open allllll the way up trough my ups and my downs, for me that plays a big part in my healing. Especially when it comes to subjects I would rather not discuss. I literally have to force myself sometimes to write about things, but in the end it is all for my own empowerment and that of others too. We are all human. We are all going through the motions of life in our own way. I am just choosing to share a part of it, because I also feel a responsibility to share my story with the world. It is not about me or my achievements, but I feel as if this is bigger than me. As if I have to share this because it is my way of being of service to others. To be so naked in who I am, makes me not only vulnerable, but it can help others to either do the same, or to realize that they are not alone in what ever they are going through.
Now if you feel like sharing yourself, tell me where in life you are your own poison? I would love to hear from you! Just comment below or hit me in my dm’s/facebook messages.
Love and blessings,