Evaluating Evolution

I started this year with one foot out the door of who I used to be and one foot in the potential of who I could become.
Not knowing I would end the year as a totally different me compared to the one I used to be. Ofcourse growth comes through the years, and not one year has been the same. But this year was different. This year did not seem to go as fast and hasty as  the previous chapters. It seemed as if now, instead of racing through ups and downs I gradually moved through it. Expanding and deepening that what was already within me. I had planted the seeds in 2014 that I wanted to nourish, and 2015 was the year to  water them so that they could bloom into the traits I wanted to call mine. I am not saying this year was perfect because it was far from that, but what it was is honest, raw and confronting. Where there had been plenty of room and opportunity earlier in my twenties to fool myself with made up stories of why I behaved a certain way. Where I had given myself enough space to run from the underlying truths that terrified me for a while now, I could not do that this year. And so it was also a year filled with undeniable truths  that I had to face. Maybe I can also state that this year was as honest because I could finally be honest with myself. There grew a loving acceptance within myself that was never quite there before. I did not judge myself as much anymore, and finally released some of the guilt and shame that had been festering inside of me since my teenage years. With so much ”weight” off of me, I became much lighter. Looking back at it I now see how this lightness made it more bearable to also look at the not-so-good parts of myself without drowning in them. Maybe being lighter means being able to take on more of the ”loads” without having to be afraid that it is going to break your back. And because I had shed some weight, I also now knew how to break down the loads in pieces that I could heal before I was able to release them again. Because that is something I have also learned this year. That the healing is never finished. It is an ongoing process of shedding and shedding.

“Just as a snake sheds its skin, we must shed our past over and over again.”jack kornfield

Jack could not have said it better for me. I have been shedding years and years already and as we are approaching the end of 2015 I am also starting to already shed this year. I am not the same person as I was when I entered into this year and I am incredibly grateful for that. I embarked on a journey in my career, with my dream job as a social worker that inspires me to do better every day. I my personal life I have learned to be honest, even if the truth seems to be worse that the dream we hold up to ourselves. At the end of the day you have to listen to what feels good to your soul. Mastering the art of finding balance between protecting my boundaries and exploring new places outside of my comfort zone is definitely something I will take with me into 2016. The biggest challenge will be to trust my own intuition more, without that inner voice planting doubts in my head. My body always knows what feels best. Tuning out that head through meditation, and focusing on how things feel will bring that to life even more. There exists no responsibility for anyone else’s life but our own. The subconscious illusion of being responsible for others is something that has frustrated me a lot in the past, and clarity about that has been brought to me this year. Even though I have received clarity about it, I still find it challenging to identify it when it happens. But hey, that is completely fine as it is because there is still so much more to learn in the coming months 🙂

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Surya Tanya