Transitioning

When I started this blog I had no idea of how to go about it. I just started writing (again) because I always loved to do so. What I struggled with though, was my vision and the way I wanted to do it. Because I have always been sensitive to the needs, views and beliefs of others, my biggest challenge in life has been to overcome the pressure of ”trying to fit in” and let go to be my TRUE authentic self.

To be honest I am not trying to write about my past experiences, nor do I want to focus on what I used to do. This article is completely inspired by, and dedicated to, the moment I find myself in right now. I am totally inspired! Slowly but surely I can feel this build up within myself. I am empowered by my surroundings. Lovingly supported, guided and pushed forward out into better and bigger things.

When I first started my blog I had no idea what I wanted to do with it. Now I am starting to get a vision, a purpose. I know what I want to tell the world. I want to tell MY story. Not some forced story about ”how to do things” or ”what I have learned about”. The last thing I want is to tell others how to live their lives! It took me 27 years to get to a point of enough self love to free myself of burdens and things weighing me down. I am not trying to paint this picture of the person that knows it all. Matter of fact, I don’t know anything! All I sense is that now is a great time for me to expand, because I am finally in a flow that helps me grow. I have moved to a beautiful place, found a great group of supporting and loving people around me, and I have complete freedom as to how I get to spend my days.

As I am growing, I cannot leave my blog behind. That is why I am taking it into this transition with me. My blog started as a way to share my journey, and that vision has not changed. What has changed and is ever changing is me. Be on the look out for what ever exciting things may come up in the future. (I know I have said that before) This time will be different, because I AM different. What have you been up to?

Love and blessings,
Surya

Vulnerability at it’s best

Yesterday I have posted my first article about my new relationship, and I must admit it made me feel very naked. Baring my soul like that about my love life is something that I haven’t done before, and was not planning on doing ever. It just shows how much of an impact this spirit has on my creative expressions, inspiration and last but not least my confidence to step into the world with my story. Owning up to every emotion that I experience, being vulnerable in all ways. This spirit reminds me of who I am and what woman I want to become. He shows me the way to complete self acceptance, without judgement (which often comes from self instead of others) and without expectation. Being in his presence has me feeling understood and supported. This creates a safe environment for me to express myself freely, and that is why it moves me towards writing about it ”out in the open”.

To me, a true connection is based on two souls baring every part of themselves without secrecy or limitations. Opening all the way up means expressing every desire, fear and pain that is within you. I always felt a need for a connection like that, but to be honest I never really found it. Often, the souls I encountered were not ready (yet) to acces those hidden places within themselves. And if you cannot find it within yourself how are you supposed to share it with your significant other? You simply cannot. This always created a distance between me and my lovers, something that I felt very deeply and at times, I even took it as a rejection of my being. Ofcourse that caused a lot of tension in the relationships, which I’m sure had something to do with us breaking up eventually. Am I feeling regret about this right now? Not at all. I can definitely say that all of my relationships came baring gifts: great lessons that molded me into the woman I am today. I don’t even know if I would have attracted this spirit into my life right now, had I not had those experiences in the past. As I am writing this I am aware of a sense of gratitude and I honor all past relationships accordingly.

I know that I am more ready than ever to carry the responsibly that comes with such a connection. I am mature enough at this point in my life, I know what I want and who I am. Also, my level of self love is at an all time high. Do I have days where I feel like crap? YES! I am only human. But if you would compare the woman I am right now with the person I used to be, you can see I am a totally new person. Well, I might not be brand new but more so I have grown in confidence and self acceptance. The guilt and shame has been healed for the most part, and with that I have allowed myself to be true and authentic to who I really am. The video below is a video I made on April 27th 2015.

As you can hear, I talk about the relationship I was in back then and how it was the best one I had ever had. At that time it was true. I was still growing and healing, so at that point this was a great relationship for me to evolve from. What I did not realize at that time was that the relationship was still based upon fear, insecurities and wanting to ”be accepted” and ”loved”. That caused me to question MY truth and forced me to adjust. When I could not do that (because my soul simply refused) that caused a lot of friction and arguments. Looking back at it I can now see that we just were two totally different souls who were not compatible what so ever. I am not saying that today I am completely healed, nor am I taking anything away from my previous relationship. All I am doing is reflecting back to myself that I have grown the past year and that what I considered to be ”the best version of me”, is not all that I will ever be. I realize now that I was still settling because a part of me did not believe in the miracle I always longed for.

”That is not realistic” or ”Relationships are hard work” are phrases I have heard all my life. To most of the people in my environment the vision I had about love and relationships in general was one based upon fairy tales. As time passed, and relationships failed, I myself slowly started doubting if this love I had envisioned really did exist. Because of my dream of becoming a mother, and me getting older, I tried to tell myself that I just had to accept that things did not always work the way that I wanted. But luckily I am not telling myself these lies anymore. Because HELL YES I still believe in love. I have always believed in love. And I can now testify to it wholeheartedly. The love I had in mind, and in heart, has manifested into this reality! This love is empowering, healing, supportive and inspiring. It makes me want to grow more, do better, experience new things and start BELIEVING in my dreams again. To be able to connect on EVERY level with another soul is so very beautiful. It just proves to me that one should NEVER give up on their vision, because God did not give you that vision for nothing. Lisa Nichols once said something like: People don’t get your vision, not because it is not possible, but because God did not give that vision to them. So it is your responsibility to not only believe in it, but to take every action in order to create that dream!

I just know that I will make sure I will put in the work to create my dream, and the most amazing part of it is that it is no longer mine only. I now get to share my dream with a spirit that not only shares the same dreams, but is also dedicated to make it happen. Together!

The beginning of a love story

Today I want to start with a new project of mine. As you might have read in the previous article, I have met someone. This has changed my life, even though that may seem dramatic, for the better. This is a spirit I can share all my visions, dreams and plans with, in a space without judgement and with a lot of love and encouragement. When I told him about the idea I had to start writing about our experiences, he responded no different. And so here I am, writing about it for the first time. I have to say that I am still trying to figure out how to go about it, but just as with every thing else I start, I will let it grow organically. For now I will share the what/when/where.

He and I “met” a little over a year ago through instagram. Yes!!! You read that right: it was the little time-sucking (or is it just me?) app instagram that brought the two of us together. It was not your typical “it goes down in the DM” scenario though (see video), because the first encounters were not based on looks, but more so on words. I’ve had started writing and sharing about my inner journey, and he started following me. From the first “encounter” he was very supportive of my expressions, which he showed with his comments. This created brief moments of kind and loving interaction between the two of us. As time went on, our contact ”evolved” from the comment section to the DM’s (=direct messages) where we had REAL and DEEP conversations about everything we were going through. Not once did it seem like he was interested romantically, and I also did not give of that vibe. We just found each other in our inner journey of discovering and healing our true selves. That is where we supported each other, even though we did not know each other personally and we lived so far apart.

He told me he lived in The United States and I told him I was from The Netherlands. Through out time we developed a friendship of some sort, where we would just talk to each other randomly from time to time. Never had it once crossed my mind that it would all lead to this point that I am at now. The sporadic DM’s lead to Snapchat in the beginning of this year. Mind you, his Instagram profile contained nothing but pictures of his drawings and two photos of him covering his face. I was hoping to see a little more of this mystery friends face on Snapchat but when that did not happen (all I got was snaps from his car view etc.) I lost the hopes of ever finding out who this man was. To be honest it dawned on me a few times that I might have been dealing with a Catfish all along. But oh well, I figured this was not all too deep anyway, and so I continued with talking to him occasionally. Fast forward: To three weeks ago. I hit him up in de DM’s after a while to just check how he was doing. Spontaneously I asked him if he felt like calling with me and surprisingly he said yes. This conversation lasted for three hours straight (!!!) and if it wasn’t for the timezone (6 hour difference) we would have talked longer.

The next day he texted me again, something I had not expected. Obviously the connection was there for real, and us speaking over the phone shed a light on that. We were officially drawn towards each other. I was a bit hesitant because to me there was still a possibility of dealing with a Catfish. Other than that, the distance in between us also did not cause me to be all excited and ready to go for it. I had my doubts and I figured we could just be long-distance friends. But that is not what happened. Naturally we continued talking for hours over the phone on the days that followed, and with that we grew closer and closer. It felt like I had known him for years already, the way we spoke about EVERYTHING you can imagine: From galaxies, God and the existence of alien life to cracking up about childish things like poop and burping in each others ear. Basically we just vibed! And with those beautiful vibes came beautiful energies.

A few days in he decided to Skype me. This was a very nerve-wrecking moment for me because it meant that either two things could happen: the Catfish would reveal itself OR he was actually who he said he was. That moment the camera turned on I knew it was the latter. He was very real and it did not hurt to see how handsome he was! This was the last ”obstacle” that was out of the way and now I officially gave myself permission to go with it all the way. I opened myself up completely to see where this could lead us. As you could have guessed it things only grew from there. We fell in love. What an amazing feeling! We expressed our feelings to one another and with that we have decided to both commit to this journey of growing closer together, and building a relationship from a distance. The funny thing about it though is that I have never felt closer to someone than how I feel with him. Every conversation we have brings me inspiration, joy and a feeling of being understood. This is something I have always longed for, but was never there entirely in previous relationships. It might seem weird of me to say that so confidently, after just a few weeks, yet it is the honest truth.

I know there are lots of couples ”out there” in the world that are also doing this long-distance, different cultures, different languages thing. That is why I came up with the idea of writing about it and sharing our story with the world. This is such an incredibly exciting experience already because we fell in love without ever meeting each other in the flesh! In October I will visit him in The States and I can’t wait to take you with me every step of the way. For now I will leave you guys with some fitting music. I told you I am not the only one in this situation? 😉

Share your love story in the comments!

 

My motivation

generate_creative_inspiration2.844vrjth2ww00sowog0wgwgg8.26qeyncemmo0w4w4sgokogcgw.th_Hello loves! Today I want to write to you about being inspired and staying motivated through out a creative process. My creative expressions were never part of a ”bigger picture” or goal. I usually just expressed randomly, based upon events or thoughts that came through mind. Neither had I people in my corner that supported, stimulated or motivated me to create. Ofcourse I have friends and family that read what I have written, but never have I experienced someone next to me, pushing me and being there for me every step of the way.

As I am writing this I am cautious of what I am saying and how to go about it, since it is a very important subject to me. Because I never really have a plan before I sit down and start writing, I myself am often surprised by what ”comes out”. Never have I written a piece that came out exactly as I had imagined it to come out. This is my way of living life and naturally, the way I express my authenticity is quite similar. I just flow with what ever direction my mind and words are taking me. Inspiration is therefore something that can trigger me to start writing, yet it is also something that slowly reveals itself to me as I am already in the process of writing. Like right now, the words just flow freely and I go along happily as ever. But how about motivation? That to me is the more challenging one, because of the way my personality is set up. You see, I am an emotional being with very happy and energized states but also meh states, where I just don’t really feel like doing anything really. So how do I stay motivated then?

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To be honest, that is something I need to actively practice, and the more busy I am the more productive I get. That is just how I work. For as long as I can remember I just ”winged it” and with doing so, my loved ones did not fully understand my intentions or purposes. Therefore it is only logical that they could not totally support nor stimulate what I was doing, because heck I didn’t even know WHAT I was doing exactly! My personality type is ENFP:

The ENFP personality is a true free spirit. They are often the life of the party, but unlike Explorers, they are less interested in the sheer excitement and pleasure of the moment than they are in enjoying the social and emotional connections they make with others. Charming, independent, energetic and compassionate, the 7% of the population that they comprise can certainly be felt in any crowd.(Source: 16personalities)

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Sooooo, there aren’t a lot of like-minded folks out there to hang around with! Fortunately there has been a change on the horizon. I have met someone that thinks, feels and handles things almost exactly the same as I do. And I must admit: It is my biggest motivation EVER! To be able to share ideas with a person that actually gets you without using empathy or sympathy to understand where I am coming from… It is just everything to me! I am utterly grateful and beyond excited to see where this goes. Yes, I am still mysterious about it all since I don’t know exactly how far I am going to share this on my blog. I do feel an urge to share every little detail because it really is a life changer. But, I have to take my time, really contemplate how to go about it before I throw it out there.

What I can say is that my motivation has always been my future family. Being single that is a very hard goal to keep in mind. Being in the wrong relationship, it can even cause bitterness and negativity. Now that I am vibing with the right type of soul my dreams are coming back up, and this time I am able to share them!!! Just the thought of doing something for my family is motivation on its own. I can definitely say that my biggest motivation must be LOVE. Love of Self. Love of all people. And romantic Love (hands down!!!). Love empowers. Love heals. Nothing more powerful than to have someone next to you that believes in you.

What is your biggest motivation in life? Let me know in the comments!

Hello again: Back to me

 

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Wow, it has been months since my last post. Obviously I got hella carried away with other things, so my writings slowly disappeared into the background. No excuses are being made from where I stand, all I realize is how lost I have been not writing. This is my therapy, through my writings I connect with my inner thoughts and emotions. I literally ”check in” by writing about what I’m growing through. Because growth is a never ending process.

So what has been going on in my life? I have quit working where I worked at, I moved (again!) to a new city, and I started a small business. Other than that I have been social again, after two years of pretty much isolating myself from society. Spiritually I have also made some changes while my core is still the same. And I am still healing beautifully and coming more and more into my very own being. Lately I have been feeling an urge to start creating (again); painting, writing, dancing and singing. To express myself and my emotions in such a way that I materialize it into this reality. Because my emotions go up and down, I am sensitive to all that is around me, and everything that happens within me. My thoughts go by so fast at times, that my emotions cannot quite catch up, and when they do I just sit there kind of confused about why I am feeling this way. That is why it is so dear  to me that I am able to write it all down. This way I can see through the words that come out of me, what is going on and I slow down my thought process into something specific.

I just realized my last post was also about me being more social and active again out into the open. I must say this has been good but also challenging. As a sensitive soul I still am learning to balance myself between exchanging energy and re-energizing myself again alone. This is something I need to do in order to not feel drained. Lately I try to focus on my feelings and listen to them right away. I say ”no” more often and easier, I do things when I feel like doing them, and I take my ”me” time when needed. Still I find myself having ”off” days but that is just the path I guess. We cannot live a perfect life and we should just accept each day as a blessing AND another lesson. Because even the hard times are there to teach us. And I have come to find out that exactly those times gave me the most valuable life lessons in the end.

One thing I know is that this year, 2016, has been one hell of a ride until now! It has truly been an emotional rollercoaster with loss, sadness, happiness, new beginnings, goodbyes and what ever the hell else. What will come this coming five months of the year still remains a mystery to me, but I must say that what ever happened and will happen in the future, I am ready! I am extremely grateful for all of the experiences even though I sometimes feel so anxious, excited, sad or all over the place. At the end of the day it is worth it! Life to me still is an amazing journey, and I hope you feel the same.

 

 

 

Let me know what’s been up with you in the comments!

 

Love,
Surya

GROTE DINGEN

Hallo kerels,

Het is voor altijd sinds ik heb laatst iets geschreven. Om eerlijk te zijn nodig ik om terug bij mezelf eerst. Loslaten van de dingen van een weergave die trokken me neer, staande onderneming in mijn overtuigingen en integriteit, ruimte voor mezelf nog verder uitbreiden dat ik mezelf bevroeden kon te gaan in zulk een korte periode van tijd. Tijd is niet echt, stond nog voor mij langs de weg. En zoals ik ben steeds naar nieuwe begin, voel ik de behoefte om mijn reis te delen met de wereld. Ik voel me alsof ik nodig had om uit stap van maatschappij, mijn 'oude' patronen en de wereld, om te vinden van mijn eigen gevoel van eigenwaarde. Ik terug had het negeren van mijn grenzen jarenlang en dus ik moest krijgen helemaal basisinformatie mee. Laatste tijd heb ik geëxperimenteerd met oude gewoonten weer te voelen waar die grenzen echt voor mij lag. Ook heb ik uit de intensivering in de open opnieuw, nieuwe mensen ontmoeten en wordt sociale. Het is tijd om open te stellen voor oude gewoonten zodat ik ze eens en voor altijd achterlaten kan. Bepaalde patronen hebben zijn weergegeven zijn gezicht weer zodat ik bewust van hen en het feit geworden kon dat er nog steeds enkele genezing te doen. Ik ben aangekomen op een kruispunt vraag mezelf om te duiken dieper in bepaalde dingen die ook voor mij vóór afgesloten hebben. Omdat ik eerst moest genezen van de '' ondiepe '' betrekking op punten die in de weg, het blokkeren van de diepere kern kwesties liggen binnen.

Ik kan eerlijk zeggen dat ik ben trots op waar ik op dit punt ben. Ten slotte heb ik mezelf opgelucht van sommige lasten zoals beperking van overtuigingen, de oude gewoonten, en jeugd pijn. Nu kan ik bijna beginnen met vliegen in de openbaarheid, maar niet voordat ik genezen de diepere kwesties. Zoals ik schrijf nu ik voel me als moet ik eerst inspelen op wat het is dat ligt onder het spiegeloppervlak. Het is een patroon dat in mijn leven is sinds ik een tiener was. Het is een patroon dat ik heb altijd al bewust van, in mijn gedachten, maar ik heb nooit gegeven de kamer volledig ervaren emotioneel en dus psychisch. Dit is iets dat is typisch voor een heleboel mensen: We weten in onze geest wat het probleem is, we analyseren door middel van onze geest en het vervolgens te rationaliseren. Maar wij geven zelf geen toestemming te voelen. Dat is waarom het is nooit echt uitgebracht en genezen omdat het nog steeds binnen ons systeem aanhoudende is. We moeten gaan door het helemaal uit onze kruinchakra naar de hoofdmap. We kunnen alleen dan te laten gaan van de pijn door goed te keuren en waardoor het vrijgeven van het weer. Mijn kern van de zaak dat uitgegroeid een patroon in mijn leven tot is geweest onwaardigheid als gevolg van emotionele verwaarlozing, mishandeling en trauma's. Ik ben nu eindelijk er om te genezen dit echt in mijn leven zodat het niet langer kan houden me terug terwijl de intensivering in mijn macht.

De reden dat dit zo belangrijk op dit moment is is omdat ik kan voelen dat deze tweede helft van 2016 is gevuld met grote dingen. Niet alleen voor mij maar voor de hele mensheid. Ik zie hoe veel mensen om me heen evolueren, letterlijk verplaatsen van het ene huis naar het andere, maar ook verplaatsen binnen zichzelf. Er zijn grote verschuivingen gebeurt en ik ben onderdeel van dit proces. Zoals ik ben dit weekend verhuizen weet ik dat ik zal moeten stap in mijn macht en beginnen met mijn missie hier op aarde. Ik heb altijd gevoeld dat ik nodig om te dienen van de mensheid, met name de kinderen. Nu is het tijd om dit te doen! Niet alleen voor mij maar voor ons allemaal.

Veel liefde aan u en dank u voor het nemen van uw tijd om te lezen dit bericht.
Surya

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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BIG THINGS

Hi guys,

It has been for ever since I have last written something. To be honest I needed to get back to myself first. Letting go of a view things that were pulling me down, standing firm in my beliefs and integrity, making room for myself to expand even further that I could have imagined myself to go in such a short period of time. Really, time hasn’t stood still for me along the way. And as I am growing into new beginnings, I feel the need again to share my journey with the world. I feel as if I needed to step out of society, my ‘old’ patterns and world, to find my own sense of self. I had been ignoring my boundaries for years and so I had to get all the way back to basic with that. Lately I have been experimenting with old habits again to feel where those boundaries really lay for me. Also I have been stepping out into the open again, meeting new people and being social. The time has come to open up to old habits so that I can leave them behind once and for all. Certain patterns have been showing it’s face again so that I could become aware of them and the fact that there is still some healing to be done. I have arrived at a crossroad asking myself to dive deeper into certain things that have been too closed off for me before. Because I first needed to heal the ”shallow” issues that were in the way, blocking the deeper core issues lying within.

I can honestly say that I am proud of where I am at this point. Finally I have relieved myself of some burdens like limiting beliefs, the old habits, and childhood pain. Now I can almost start flying out into the open, but not before I heal the deeper issues. As I am writing now I feel like I first need to address what it is that lies beneath that surface. It is a pattern that has been in my life since I was a teenager. It is a pattern that I have always been consciously aware of, in my mind, but I have never given the room to fully experience emotionally and thus psychically. This is something that is typically for a lot of people: We KNOW in our minds what the issue is, we ANALYZE it through our mind and then rationalize it. But we do not give ourselves permission to FEEL it. That is why it is never really released and healed because it is still lingering within our system. We need to go through it all the way from our crown chakra to the root. Only then we are able to let go of the pain by accepting it, allowing it and releasing it again. My core issue that has become a pattern in my life has been unworthiness due to emotional neglect, abuse and trauma. I am now finally there to really heal this within my life so that it can no longer hold me back while stepping into my power.

The reason this is so important at this time is because I can sense this second half of 2016 is filled with BIG things. Not only for me but for all of humanity. I see how a lot of people around me are moving, literally moving from one house to another, but also moving within themselves. There are big shifts happening and I am part of this process. As I am moving this weekend I know I will need to step into my power and start my mission here on Earth. I have always felt that I need to serve humanity, especially the children. Now is the time to do so! Not only for me but for all of us.

Lots of love to you and thank you for taking your time to read this message.
Surya