Stepping

So last night my fam and I had a conversation where I was told to “just write” and release. The way fam spoke made me see how not all writings need to be organized or structured right away. Sometimes the writing on itself functions as a tool for reflection, comprehension and release.
This is also the way I have always used writing as a part of my creative expression, but I have never tought as far as to just wing it when it comes to “serious” goals for my writing.
What I am hinting at is that I am in the process of writing a book!
This is dope and terrifying at the same time, especially since I have never done it before and I don’t really know how to go about it.
I just want it to be as raw, pure and honest as all of my writings reflect. And my fam telling me all I needed to focus on was the action of writing itself actually really soothed my mental!
We will figure all the rest out later.
Just like with everything in life, or at least mine.
My whole entire existence is merely a reflection of my being.
The chaos that I often find myself within is exactly what it is: within.
I am just the kind of being that figures things out while in the midst of things.
I am not much of a planner, but I do like to have control.
Conflicting isn’t it?
Welcome to the wonderous world of my mind.
A walking contradiction, most of the time trying to figure out what the hell is going on myself!
I mean, to paint you a picture just take my current situation:
I am sitting on the couch writing this little piece while I am literally surrounded by my own stuff.
Garbage bags of stuff that I give to the thrift store mostly, although I did not fully communicate the amount of stuff to them accurately, I am praying they are able to take it all with them.
But do I stress about it?
Nah, instead I choose to sit down and write my thoughts out like this.
I guess I trust the Universe so much at this point, or I am so humbled that I don’t take anything I go through seriously anymore, what ever it is it works for me.
Life is real beautiful if you let it be.
And the wide Unknown that I am about to leap in is offering me a sense of true freedom.
A feeling I have not experienced like this before.
I think I needed to “free” my Self first by cultivating Self Love and authenticity before I could take the steps towards freedom in all aspects.
The freedom to be who ever you are is the foundation, the freedom to do what ever the fuck you want flows from that.
So yeah, this year is pretty awesome until now.
Stepping into living my life the way I want to live.
Stepping outta Babylon.
Building the community.
Cultivating unity.
Give thanks for this beautiful transition and all soul family members walking with me.
Sending you all more love, more joy and more courage to be fearless with me!!!

Kali Vibes

Kali is one of the most powerful, but misunderstood, Hindu goddesses. She is the embodiment of Mother Nature, the goddess of life, death, transformation, destruction, endings and beginnings. Kali, whose name means time, quite forcefully pushes us out of our comfort zone by creating storms and lighting fires to cleanse the old and make way for the new. The turbulence can be unnerving at times, however, ultimately it causes dramatic shifts in our lives that empower us to reach our full potential. Source: Elephant Journal

Repetitive cycles of insights, realizations volatile
Coming and going of deepening, rooting, growing, flowing free in the evolution of my being.
Repetitive cycles of words, expressions…

I wrote this a few days ago and it accurately paints the picture of my current status. It is a beautiful chaos of yet another transformation, and with this I am deepening my innerstanding of Self. I am seeing how I am continuously building and destroying, coming and going, traveling inward and outward from place to place. Leaving pieces of my Self behind with other souls as I journey forward. In this way you could say I function as a catalyst, touching souls so that they may have their own personal transformation. Although this has had me feeling lonely multiple times, thinking to myself “Why can’t it never be someone transforming me?!” I can laugh at it and see that is where my Petty Queen ego steps in and needs to get a little attention (like ALL of it lol).

What I am saying is, it’s not that deep. Simply because this whole mission was never about me, it’s about the collective and the being of service to it. Because ultimately that is what we all came here to experience; LOVE through the illusion of seperation. LOVE by knowing nothing is apart from each other, it all connects. We just kind of forgot before touching down on Earth. Luckily we are in this beautiful stage of remembering, as a collective, and I have been meeting members of my soulfamily one by one to remind me thereof. We are never alone in this, so whenever my ego starts crying like a baby again I know this is just the role the ego is suppose to play and I let it.

I guess that is also part of the growth… Knowing what to feed into and what to just “let be”. I mean, I am still a being with fluctuating energies and that is how I was built, yet I am learning more and more to not attach to what ever comes up. The less I identify with my emotions the less they take a hold of me. This way I can become the observer of the Self, which creates a whole lot of space for the Self to truly show itself and therefore allows me to go deeper, learn more an tweak where needed. Growth also means becoming more and more humbled by realizing we all ain’t shit. We just winging it until we reach this state of enlightenment which is also impermanent.

Where I used to think that this enlightenment was a final destination I now see it as yet another challenge, because once reached how will you make sure you stay in that space? They say each level has another devil and that’s exactly what I mean. It is never ending. There is always something to either deepen, strengthen, release or simply experience. So where am I now in this whole journey?

I am currently releasing my belongings because a few months ago something just ‘clicked’ within my Self. I had an epiphany that kind of sounded like “what the fuck are you doing??!!”. As a 28 year old single female I have done all that’s been expected of me. I graduated as a social worker, got a house, my drivers license and started working like a good citizen. I was the perfect slave to the system, yet these chains slowly started choking me. Bills in my face, responsibilities that I don’t want to carry, stress that is so very unnatural to a natural wombman like me (lol)….
So I just said what I say best: FUCK IT

I’m packing, selling and throwing out, and move back in with my mama!!! I mean, the last decade I have missed her presence since I moved further and further away from her anyway, and my motherwound also need work. So I figured it was a win-win-situation!
Moving back with my folks to reconnect, reground, safe up and travel the world. Spreading these pieces of my Soul unto the world like jelly on a peanutbuttersandwich (I love pbj sandwiches). Wednesday this place I have called home for a year needs to be empty and I will be roaming around town, so that I can still work and safe up, until November 1st. Then it’s back to mama before I take off to my first destination New Orleans.

As you might think already I am excited, scared, sad, happy, empowered, free and melancholic all at the same damn time!! And I will share it all through my instagram, youtube channel and this blog. If you are in New Orleans or Florida in November, December and January let me know so we could link up and build!

Love,

Surya

Hello Spring

Hello spring!
Hello (astrological) new year!
Hello new beginnings and bye endings!
I haven’t written since December and that was kind of necessary. The first three months of 2017 to me, were all about cleansing, purging, reshaping, releasing, reflecting and readjusting for the coming months ahead. This came with a lot of moments of rest; taking the time to be with my self and reevaluate all that I have been through and what I want to move forward towards. Confusion danced with clarity as I said goodbye for good to beliefs that did not benefit my highest purpose. Moments of total despair took turns with moments of complete clarity and peace; telling me that there was healing on the way, but also new growth.

Release three times

Before we can receive, we first need to release. You can’t hold onto new things if you are busy holding on to things from your past. If you have read more of my articles, you will probably think ”but don’t you write about the past A LOT?” and my answer is YES I do! Using the past as reference so that I can reflect on my growth, is something I am doing all the time. By looking at where I come from I can see where I am standing now. By noticing certain patterns I can choose a new direction today. I need to look behind me so that I readjust my course accordingly. But I also noticed that this has a downside to it;

By reflecting on the past there is the danger of reliving the past.

It is easy to look at the past and fall into it like mud. Your feet just slowly sink into it until your stuck. When your stuck in the past you don’t grow anymore, more so you are repeating the same chapter over and over (and over) again. I noticed how I was growing in certain areas of my life. My career for example, my relationship with self, and the bonds I had with my family members were steadily evolving. Yet, I realized that I was kind of stuck when it came to patterns dealing with love and romantic relationships, limiting beliefs about my worth and blocking my own success. As I welcomed in 2017 in January I knew I had to take my time to heal and refocus, reshape and relearn some things. But most of all I had to release. And so January, February and March were all about release. Releasing wounds from past lovers. Releasing old stuff that I did not need anymore, like a lot of my clothes and other things I kept in the house. These things not only cluttered up my home, but my life in general. So I released all of it in three months time.

A new beginning

And now we are approaching April. It has been three months of silence and journeying inward for me, clearing out a lot of space in my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Clearing space so that I am able to welcome new adventures. New beginnings as you could say.

New beginnings are like guests; you can only truly honor them if you invite and welcome them into your life.

And here I am. Welcoming the springtime with the first bird songs in the morning, the first rays of sunshine of my face, and the first promise of new life on the horizon. I am ready to open up again and share my soul with the world. I am ready to take on new exciting things on my life’s path. I am ready to grow and blossom more than I have ever before, and I am so very grateful for this experience.
I am stepping more and more into the creative being that I am.
I don’t know which shape or form everything will get, because I simply am the type of girl to follow the flow and listen to my intuition.
All I know and feel is that I am growing closer to my being daily.
I am humbled by experiences and excited about the changes to come.
All I am doing is following my heart from now on, and I am sure it will guide me straight home to where I belong!

Happy spring to all of you, what changes are ahead for you? Tell me in the comments!

Love,

 

A strong willed young girl

To me, part of detaching is realizing that nothing is personal. Therefore every experience we go through is there, not only to teach us, but also for us to share with the world. Our human experience is something we need to share with the collective, so we can all learn from it. It is not something to feel ashamed about, hide away, so that others may never know all that you went through. I write ”you” but I actually mean ”I” because it was I that tried to bury some secrets with me. Secrets that, to me were horrible and I did not want anyone to ever find out about. Secrets that would expose the ugly truth about what a bad person I really was. For years I have talked down on my self. For years I have continuously told lies to myself.

I told myself that I should never look back because there were only mistakes there, mistakes I should be deeply ashamed of. Experiences I felt shameful and guilty about. Parts of me that I did not accept and even rejected by denying they had ever existed.Funny, because this shameful past of mine was actually quite lovely. Slowly I am recognizing the lies and deceit for what is really was. I am seeing how I was the one bullying myself. When I look at my past now, with a new set of loving eyes, I see the past version of me:

A strong willed young girl ready to take on the adventures of the world.

What could possibly be wrong with that?
Sure, she fucked up a few times. That’s what young girls do. But would anything she has done be judged by my this harshly if it was one of my clients? Heck no. Then I really have to take a step back, look my self in the heart and ask my self: ”Why do you keep doing this to your self?”

The answer is: I never forgave myself for it. Instead, I got angrier and more frustrated with self with every mistake that I made. I kept on jumping from place to place, leaving everything behind me with each jump, hoping the past would never come knocking on my door. But as you would guess; it did exactly that.

Knock knock… who’s there? The past. The past who? The past who you unnecessarily denied babygirl.

So there you have it. Hello past. Nice to meet you, again. My hometown; the city that raised me. No longer will I embrace the comfortzones that shame nor guilt offer me. I will choose a different, more new and therefore uncomfortable route. I will choose courage and acceptance. I will choose loving EVERY part of my being including my past. I will choose my darkness because it carries my strength. I will not be afraid of judgement of others nor will I fall victim to the harsh judgement that comes from my self. Contrarily I will embrace where I come from and express my gratitude for how it shaped me. I will cherish and honor every soul I have encountered there together with the experiences that came with. I will not be bound by the shame, suffering or guilt that I previously associated with my hometown nor my past chapters of life. Instead, I am replacing these connotations with new ones. Connotations of warmth, love, growth, experience and preparation.

From a detached state observing. Not personalizing what has happened in the past I can now start sharing with the world. My healing is your healing. My journey is ours. With a smile on my face I now see clearly  that this ”strong willed young girl ready to take on the adventures of the world.” needed ALL of these experiences to prepare her for battle. A warrior heart is only shaped by it’s surroundings. The concrete jungle is where the Universe shaped mine.

Love and blessings,

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Better days

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Hello lovely people!
As I am writing this I must say that I am in good spirits. The New Moon yesterday really has me feeling very positive about my life currently. The last few months I have been confronted with a lot of old limiting beliefs that I subconsciously held on to, blocking me from stepping into my own power. Monday coming up to the New Moon I lied wide awake at night, unable to sleep from a turmoil of emotion going through me. Mostly anger resided within me and came up to the surface to show it’s face to me. For once, I did not feel worn out because it but more so it actually empowered me to set my boundaries firm and start honoring my self more.

The last few years I have really growed into the woman I am today, with all the ups and downs that come with growth. I have battled depression, destructive patterns, that caused me to be out of balance and away from my truest self. As I started therapy two months ago, I noticed a big change since I finally became aware of the patterns that cause this emotions and thoughts to keep re-appearing in my life. I clearly see that it was me, or my subconscious mind to be exact, planting thoughts into my self that talked down on me. Telling myself I was ‘unimportant’ or ‘not good enough.’ When I lied awake two nights ago this anger appeared crystal clearly and I could finally recognize the boundaries I had not honored all of these years.

These boundaries that I obviously crossed multiple times were the reason I could keep on telling myself I was not good enough or unable to shine my brightest light. Anger therefore is not something we should avoid, but more a signal from our higher self that we need to protect and honor our boundaries more. I am now learning to be more communicative about my needs and wants, without rejecting my self beforehand. What I have actually done all these years was rejecting my own self. I created a veil or a gap in between me and all the people I so desperately wanted to connect with by this rejection. Because with me telling myself I was not important or good enough, I now also told myself that noone wanted to listen to what I was feeling or thinking. By doing so, I held in a lot of the things that I really felt or thought. The rejection of my true self then manifested within all of my relationships because of this distance I created for my self. This manifestation I then defined as a confirmation of the belief that I indeed was not important enough to realize a true connection.

Do you see what I did there? I rejected my self and  I rejected all true connections because of it. The people and/or relationships that I thought were rejecting me were only a projection of the way I subconsciously thought about my self!

AHAAAA moment in 3…2…1..

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Do you see how I feel so lighthearted today? I finally conquered a part of my subconscious mind that was blocking me from truly connecting for years! I am not saying that I am fully where I am supposed to be yet, because life has humbled me enough to learn that this growth never ends. But I must admit that this is definitely a HUGE step for me in the right direction. What I am now actively pursuing is more growth, by learning how to set my boundaries in a healthy and loving manner. Without screaming or crying or getting overly upset when it becomes ”just too much to bare”. I am now committing myself to be more vulnerable by opening up and sharing my boundaries with the people I want to connect with. This is also something that my subconscious mind has blocked because of the rejection it was always occupied with. I also acknowledge now that this was a way of my subconscious mind to protect my self from being truly rejected. I have taught my self this coping mechanism as a child, and I am not upset with my child self for doing that. It was the best thing to do at that time, to survive what ever she was going through. But now the time for me has come to say ‘Thank you, but I no longer need this pattern to protect me. I am open and willing to learn new ways of being.’

Better days are coming, I can sense it in the air!!! As I am sharing this I wish for you to step into your true power as well. May all false belief systems be shed and may you find your Highest Truth, what ever that may feel or look like for you. We are all growing together, to better ourselves and ultimately the world.

Love and blessings,

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P.S. Here is a classic song to brighten up your day!

Fear of heights

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Soooo as my latest writings already suggested, I am in a place of release and cleansing within my journey. Finally letting go of old limiting beliefs, getting passed on subconsciously mostly by my parents, and their parents, and their parents. Deep rooted pain coming to the surface again, so that I may heal them for good. Not only for me, but for all generations that have come before me and all generations after me. This is important stuff guys! And I am sure I am not alone in this. We are all in it together. The world is changing, people are waking up and transforming into their full potential.

I have been running wild. Literally, from place to place, emotion to emotion, person to person. I had no idea how to just be still, in the moment, and let things come my way. Instead, I was always forcing to make things happen the way I wanted them to happen. Underneath this behavior was so much fear! Fear of losing control. Fear of being unwanted, not good enough, abandonment. But somehow someway, I could not reach that truth. I could not see it for what it was. I had my moments where I knew I had to do things different, but I was kind of like a slave to my own subconscious conditioning. I simply did not know how to bring about change, because I was not aware of the fear that I held on to!

Fear of heights….
Not only higher places in the material world.
But higher places within my self.
Holding onto lower vibrations, habits, patterns, because they felt ”safe”.
Currently I am really stepping out of my comfortzone all the way, and pushing myself to go higher.
Look within and keep it all the way real.
I will no longer allow my lower self to dictate my decisions.
I will no longer allow fear to cause me to run away.
I will face everything head on because I am fearless and I am unconditional love.
I will love even when I’m scared.
I will love when I’m hurting.
I will love when I’m angry.
I will love when I’m sad.
And I will rise from with love, to higher places.
Higher places within my self.
The kingdom of heaven is waiting for me.
Releasing the fear so that my wings can grow.
Releasing the ground so that my journey can go.
To the higher realms, the realms of dreams and vision.
The realms of hope, faith and believe.
No space for things weighing me down to the ground.
Traveling light to pursue everything I knew I could ever be.
But I just forgot for a bit, and that is fine.
My journey is not dependent on the illusion of time.
I am right here, where I belong.
I will go for what my heart longs.

It is an exciting and important time. No more lies. No more deceit. No more fear. No more avoidance. I am here. I will be here. Now let’s get to it.

 

 

From poison to power

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So I have been getting really really really confronted with myself the last week. Seeing clearly the lies I tell myself. And even though I am utterly grateful for these insights and the clarity I have received, it is never easy or fun to see the parts in yourself that are not that great. This has caused me to be hyper sensitive, cranky and isolated. I needed to give myself the space to process everything. I needed to create a loving environment for myself, without judgement. Without kicking myself while I’m already down.

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor where in life you are your own poisonInstead, I am learning a new way of coping with certain situations. I have been getting into a lot of new situations, where I am tested as a person. How strong am I? How trustworthy am I? Those kind of questions are coming to the surface and I suddenly saw where my Ego or this shadow part of me comes into play and starts sabotaging everything. Or at least, so she tries. This week I clearly saw how I am not confident about my power in some situations. I saw how I am choosing to let fear decide for me. I saw how I am choosing avoidance instead of confrontation. Fortunately I have been in situations similar like this in the past, and so I know how to see the patterns sooner. This way the damage can be prevented. BUT, it was a tough cookie to deal with.

 

What I have realized is that I have been victimizing myself for years. Not in the public eye (ofcourse) because my shame and guilt would not let me do that so openly. My clever shadow self has created a way to do this in the dark; by creating a false mask of self. This mask is the person I was/am to the outside world. But because I was this person was such a long time, I myself started thinking that this was the real me. I was fooling myself and the world around me all at the same time!!!

So what this false self would do is say things to me. Things that would make me feel inadequate, worthless, unlovable and you name it. This started to become a habit since I was doing it for so long, and you know what happens with habits? You forget all about them and they just repeat themselves subconsciously. The result? I had NO IDEA I was doing it while doing it! That was up until last week when a situation occurred and I kind of catched myself in these lies I told myself. I realized then that these shadow self had been hiding within all along. Masking itself through a false sense of self love. Afbeeldingsresultaat voor where in life you are your own poisonYES, I had quit my destructive behavior. YES, I had started eating healthy. YES, I had stopped talking down on myself aloud, but what I hadn’t noticed was that this talks just evolved into another way of sabotage. And now that I have become aware of that I am humbled. Truly humbled. I realize now that this path is not a straight line. It is all about cycles of deeper truths within deeper truths. I am still learning how to love myself.

Everyday a little bit more. And with that self love comes also TRUTH. Being real enough with myself to realize where I am my own poison. Being real enough with myself to accept that and love myself through it. I don’t need to be perfect, I just need to be truthful. Because there is where my power lies. And there is where my healing is found. That is also part of the reason why I started this blog. I decided that I wanted to change myself for the better, and to be vulnerable like this and open allllll the way up trough my ups and my downs, for me that plays a big part in my healing. Afbeeldingsresultaat voor where in life you are your own poisonEspecially when it comes to subjects I would rather not discuss. I literally have to force myself sometimes to write about things, but in the end it is all for my own empowerment and that of others too. We are all human. We are all going through the motions of life in our own way. I am just choosing to share a part of it, because I also feel a responsibility to share my story with the world. It is not about me or my achievements, but I feel as if this is bigger than me. As if I have to share this because it is my way of being of service to others. To be so naked in who I am, makes me not only vulnerable, but it can help others to either do the same, or to realize that they are not alone in what ever they are going through.

Now if you feel like sharing yourself, tell me where in life you are your own poison? I would love to hear from you! Just comment below or hit me in my dm’s/facebook messages.

Love and blessings,

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Don’t believe the lies

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Don’t believe the lies that I tell you. When I tell you that you’re not good enough, not worthy enough, that everything you do will never be as it should.

Don’t believe the lies that I tell you. When I tell you about how you should behave, should handle situations, should treat yourself.

Don’t believe the lies that I tell you. When I tell you about the huge weight of expectations others put on you. When I tell you how they see you. When I tell you that you will never reach that image and at the same time tell you how important that image is.

Don’t believe the lies that I tell you. When I continue to compare you with others. Showing you your flaws in comparison to the perfection that is in other beings.

Don’t believe the lies that I tell you. When I tell you that you will never be loved for who you really are. When I tell you that you have to earn love. When I tell you that you have to hide the real you, or else noone will ever accept you.

Don’t believe the lies that I tell you. When I tell you to stop believing in your dreams. When I tell you to be average. When I tell you your vision is unrealistic and will never work.

Don’t believe the lies that I tell you. When I tell you to be normal. When I tell you to ignore you desires. When I tell you that your inspiration is not important. When I tell you that your choices are wrong.

Don’t believe the lies that I tell you. When I keep bringing up the past you to make you feel bad about your achievements in the present. When I keep telling you that the old you was stupid, and you should be ashamed of your past. When I tell you that noone can ever make a mistake, and that your mistakes were the worst ever made.

Don’t believe the lies that I tell you. When I tell you to run away and hide. When I tell you to avoid confrontations with your self, because you are not going to like what you’re going to find there. When I tell you that it is better to give up than to keep on trying. When I tell you it is not possible to change into a better version of you.

Don’t believe the lies that I tell you. When I tell you how others think about you. When I tell you they think you are not the way they expected you to be. When I tell you they don’t appreciate you enough. When I tell you they don’t see you. When I tell you they will abandon you, so it’s best to keep your distance.

Don’t believe the lies that I tell you. When I change a neutral situation into a negative one. When I twist silence into rejection. When I give you stories about how things are before you get a chance to feel for yourself.

Don’t believe the lies that I tell you. When I tell you this is who you really are. When I tell you to listen to me. When I tell you to believe me. When I tell you that I am the only voice to trust.

Don’t believe the lies that I tell you. Because I am not you. You are so much more that what I will ever tell you about yourself. So please, don’t believe the lies that I tell you. The next time I will pop up again, just ignore me. Smile, and know that all I will ever tell you are lies. Only then are you able to free yourself from me and will you see my lies for what they really are.

On my way to the U.S.A.

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Ok, so here I go writing my first blog post about my adventure that will lead me to New Haven CT. As I am writing this, I am sitting on a bench somewhere by a hidden gate on Toronto Pearson Airport. I just had a nerve wrecking custom boarder service experience… Ok maybe that makes it sound way worse than it was. But I was marked as someone who they had to investigate further. Me?! The scardy cat… How funny. Maybe because I seemed nervous, which I still am. I mean, in a few hours I will meet my lover and friend for the first time ever. Of course I am nervous!!!
But anyway, apart from that, the trip has been very relaxed and smooth sailing so far. Yesterday the plane ride (or is it a flight lol) was surprisingly comfortable and the time (8 hours) went by fast as hell. I wouldn’t be me if I was not very well prepared though; I figured I had to stay on the airport for 24 hours to transfer. But it turned out that I had to get my luggage and step into Canada. Sooooo I did not have a place to crash or anything. Luckily, the women at the tourist information center was very helpful and she got me a hotel room. It was not the most cheap but it was definitely worth it! I slept like a baby in a king size bed…. A bed that I want when I grow up!!! And I got to see Toronto city by night, not a lot, but at least I can say that I have!

Other than the practical side of things, emotionally I feel content. I am actually very proud of the way I am carrying myself through out it all, and that I had the balls to go through with it even! I am aware that every journey needs to be free of expectation so I am consciously deciding to keep an open mind and just let the journey take me to where ever I need to go. Lately I have been more focused on healing again, and that had its affects on my emotional and mental state. I must say that this trip has a positive influence on all of that. It’s just easier to see yourself when you’re away from the noise that daily life offers. No distractions, just clarity and TRUTH. I am starting to not only see my self but also accept my self for what and who I am. I don’t have to feel perfect in order to feel good enough. I don’t have to be understood in order for me to grasp a bit of this being that is me. For me, getting to know more and more of my being is the ultimate goal. So however the outcome of this trip, I am content and thankful that I get to embarke on such an adventure in the first place.

I do not know how I will respond when I see him, to be honest I was not even thinking about visiting him. Not because I don’t want to anymore, but because this 24 hours was for me only. It was for and about me. It was not about him. Actually, it’s been 33 hours and counting…. First I dreaded the fact that the traveling itself would take so long, but now I am seeing the value of it. These 33 hours were sacred time for me. I traveled alone, I dined alone, I explored alone, I experienced alone. I started to like myself more … Not for what I had changed about myself or my lifestyle, or for my accomplishments, no I am starting to like myself for who I am. And man I tell you, if THIS was the only reason for taking this trip I would go again! Furthermore, I am very thankful that this being crossed paths with mine. It has not been easy, but I got confronted with a lot of things that need healing. Or more so, I realized that healing is a life time journey. Where I first thought “oh yeah, I have seen a therapist I’m good now” I now see that every phase or season of our life requires a new form of healing, loving attention and guidance and protection. How they say that every level comes with a new devil is true. What’s also true is that the more you grow the more you discover that you keep on growing. That is the way life is set up, life equals growth. Stagnation equals death. That is how a lot of souls die way before they actually stop living.

So this soul heals me simply by being. This soul reflects back to me this child like innocence and hunger to learn. Since we are all one, this spirit and my spirit resemble each other like that. Logical, because that is how we attracted each other in the first place; by being on the same vibration. Level headed. Good conversations. Yes we are not perfect, we are quite messy in a sense, but that is exactly what we need. Someone to grow with. Not in a way that you grow stuck to each other, but in a way that you nourish and support each other while blooming individually. And that is exactly what I am nervous and excited about at the same time. Because in a few hours we will be physically together! The energy; how will it be? I am so curious to find out! The smells, the touch, the gazing into each others eyes face to face, heart to heart, soul to soul. That is what I want to discover, together. That is also why I am here, matter of fact THAT was the main reason why I booked my flight in the first place. To experience him completely. Well I guess to be continued…. I’m off reading a book now. ?✌

What makes me a Wombman?

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Now that the days are getting longer and darker, I am giving myself permission to take a step back from the outside world and focus more on my inside world. I feel a strong urge to release and cleanse, surround myself with a big blanket of silence, and just experience my being in its wholeness. And so I will be releasing a lot of old baggage for once and for all so that I can prepare for what is to come: Winter for deep rest, and then Spring, welcoming new things into my life. One of the things I have been working with since this Summer (2016) is my feminine power and energy.   One question I have to examine before that is: What makes me a wombman?

Am I a wombman defined by the length of my hair? Is my identity formed by the clothes that I wear? Or is it my strut, the way that I choose to carry my being? Free, authentic, real. As real as I am able to be, as I am able to reach. Because becoming real is still a process I am living in. Every day I get realer with my being first, and naturally with the world around me. I am the world around me, and the world around me lives in me. We are reflecting back to each other that what lies within me. Projecting all that I need to face within my self into the outside world, attracting all that I need to attract so that I can learn from it and grow more and more into my true self. 

Being a wombman was always loaded with expectation, ”how it has to be”, pressure from society, culture, morals and values. As a child my feminine and masculine energy were balanced, flowing freely in and out one another without any issues. It was when puberty hit me that all confusion came right on along. Oversexualized images of women I looked up to, made it seem as if that was what a women should be: An object of admiration for teen girls that want to become her, and man that lust for her. Yet, my personality did not agree with that. I always had been the more tomboyish type that liked to wear jeans and sneakers, and did not mind to climb trees and get ”dirty” in a non sexual way. Somehow my sexuality came natural to me, because I was very in tune with my body. I loved dancing and that got me in touch with my body and movements from a very young age. So I did not really think much of it and was pretty comfortable being me.

That was until my first relationship at 16 caused me to become very confused about who I was, but also about what I wanted not only sexually but also intimately. The confident, body aware, teen I once was slowly faded into the background and here was this girl that loathed herself. I started or should I say quit eating as healthy and regularly than I had been before. (Because all of a sudden I did not like my body image anymore). I lost a lot of weight. My social life disappeared, and where I once was fearless and always out and about, my controlling relationship caused me to develop a kind of phobia to go places by myself. Simply put: I had completely lost myself! This is also when I became very confused about what being a woman was all about, and because I had given away MY power to someone else, I slowly forgot about who I was and where my power was: within.

Fast forward to today, as I am writing this I am now a 27 year old woman. I have had phases in the last 11 years after this period of my life where I was all about my feminine energy: Heals, make up, fashion, nail polish, the whole shebang. But did I do that because I wanted to or did I do that because I thought that was what I was supposed to do? That is up for debate. Then there were periods in time where I was boyish: Always wearing baggy clothes, acting all tough, trying to mask this vulnerable sensitive woman I had inside of me who was terrified of being hurt again. Confusion, confusion, confusion.

I must say that I am in a good place. I do not feel the pressure anymore of trying to fit into a mold that others created for me. More and more I am allowing myself to go with what I feel and what I want, instead of letting my sensitivity come in and influence the way I carry myself in order to please others. A wombman is a wombman because that is how God created her. There are so many variations of that beautiful and powerful creature, just as there are beautiful variations in every other entity in nature: God created variety. That is why we should never try and measure our selves with standards that lie outside of self. No other being can ever tell us what it means to be us.

Only I can decide for me how I choose to express myself.

Only I can decide how I choose to carry myself.

There is no shame in how I choose to behave.

I am allowed to own my body, my sexuality and my energy as a whole.

As a thinker I always had a tendency to think in black or white. This made the chaos, of constant thoughts flowing in and out, easier to digest. It was simply labeled: GOOD THINGS – BAD THINGS – REPEAT – DELETE- and so on.
Growing and reflecting has given me the inner knowing and understanding that this is not representative of the Truth. We just cannot label everything! Things just are the way they are, and the way we perceive them is where we have to look for answers. So if I feel that I am not feminine enough but carry more masculine energy around, what does this perception say about the way I am in this moment? How am I feeling? What am I attracting? What vibration am I on?

These moments of going inward help me with self acceptance and allowing me to be authentic in my being without judgement. I really need to remind myself at times that I am enough, I am worthy and I am a wombman regardless of how I carry myself. The most important task in all of this is that I keep one thing in mind, body and soul: It all starts and ends with self love. As a wombman I am a divine healer, nurturer and mother. Therein lies a HUGE part of my power. If I want to reclaim that power I need to start using it on my self first. Be my own healer, nurturer and mother first. Tapping into the wisdom and guidance of those that came before me. Reconnecting with the Divine Mother Earth. Trusting my own intuition and the wisdom of my Yoni and Womb again. Stepping into my power by reclaiming all that was forgotten and lost into this rigid system that was build to conquer, dominate and destroy. Ultimately, THIS all is what makes me a wombman.

Love and blessings,

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