I started this piece of writing in a poetic way, thinking that I could poet my way out of this one.
But I realize now that I can’t do it.
I need to speak my truth.
I need to keep it all the way honest with myself, or this whole article wouldn’t make any sense to begin with.
It’s cold outside and dark, and that’s exactly how I feel right now.
Part of growing contains illusions being destroyed and that is the most liberating yet painful thing of this process.
How I wish at times that I was able to hold onto this illusion of how my life could be.
I guess I always think it would make things more bearable, more easy.
But I just can’t pretend.
Believe me when I say I have tried.
Over and over again.
I have really tried to adjust myself into little pieces of me, to make sure that it would work out.
I have tried to even ignore myself at times, just to keep the peace.
I have tried to believe in something i knew in my heart could never work out, just for the sake of this perfect picture.
And now I see how much I have suffered in doing so.
Yes, walking away is painful, but not as painful as staying in a place I didn’t belong.
Life is soaked in duality and so it wouldn’t be fair to say that I haven’t been happy the entire time.
There have been moments, lots of them, where I truly was happy.
But at the root of it all lied fear, loneliness, hurt and guilt.
Feelings that do not belong at the base of something real.
Because those feelings have driven me into choices that I would not have made without feeling like that.
Love doesn’t always mean holding on, matter of fact sometimes the only way to truly express ones love is to let go.
Let go of the hurt, the dissapointments, the unworthiness and the anger.
Make room for more love to grow, for hope, for expansion.
Real love is creating the room for each other to be truly happy.
And so it all start fading to the back, slowly, while I go back to black.