A strong willed young girl

To me, part of detaching is realizing that nothing is personal. Therefore every experience we go through is there, not only to teach us, but also for us to share with the world. Our human experience is something we need to share with the collective, so we can all learn from it. It is not something to feel ashamed about, hide away, so that others may never know all that you went through. I write ”you” but I actually mean ”I” because it was I that tried to bury some secrets with me. Secrets that, to me were horrible and I did not want anyone to ever find out about. Secrets that would expose the ugly truth about what a bad person I really was. For years I have talked down on my self. For years I have continuously told lies to myself.

I told myself that I should never look back because there were only mistakes there, mistakes I should be deeply ashamed of. Experiences I felt shameful and guilty about. Parts of me that I did not accept and even rejected by denying they had ever existed.Funny, because this shameful past of mine was actually quite lovely. Slowly I am recognizing the lies and deceit for what is really was. I am seeing how I was the one bullying myself. When I look at my past now, with a new set of loving eyes, I see the past version of me:

A strong willed young girl ready to take on the adventures of the world.

What could possibly be wrong with that?
Sure, she fucked up a few times. That’s what young girls do. But would anything she has done be judged by my this harshly if it was one of my clients? Heck no. Then I really have to take a step back, look my self in the heart and ask my self: ”Why do you keep doing this to your self?”

The answer is: I never forgave myself for it. Instead, I got angrier and more frustrated with self with every mistake that I made. I kept on jumping from place to place, leaving everything behind me with each jump, hoping the past would never come knocking on my door. But as you would guess; it did exactly that.

Knock knock… who’s there? The past. The past who? The past who you unnecessarily denied babygirl.

So there you have it. Hello past. Nice to meet you, again. My hometown; the city that raised me. No longer will I embrace the comfortzones that shame nor guilt offer me. I will choose a different, more new and therefore uncomfortable route. I will choose courage and acceptance. I will choose loving EVERY part of my being including my past. I will choose my darkness because it carries my strength. I will not be afraid of judgement of others nor will I fall victim to the harsh judgement that comes from my self. Contrarily I will embrace where I come from and express my gratitude for how it shaped me. I will cherish and honor every soul I have encountered there together with the experiences that came with. I will not be bound by the shame, suffering or guilt that I previously associated with my hometown nor my past chapters of life. Instead, I am replacing these connotations with new ones. Connotations of warmth, love, growth, experience and preparation.

From a detached state observing. Not personalizing what has happened in the past I can now start sharing with the world. My healing is your healing. My journey is ours. With a smile on my face I now see clearly ┬áthat this ”strong willed young girl ready to take on the adventures of the world.” needed ALL of these experiences to prepare her for battle. A warrior heart is only shaped by it’s surroundings. The concrete jungle is where the Universe shaped mine.

Love and blessings,

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Surya Tanya