What makes me a Wombman?

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Now that the days are getting longer and darker, I am giving myself permission to take a step back from the outside world and focus more on my inside world. I feel a strong urge to release and cleanse, surround myself with a big blanket of silence, and just experience my being in its wholeness. And so I will be releasing a lot of old baggage for once and for all so that I can prepare for what is to come: Winter for deep rest, and then Spring, welcoming new things into my life. One of the things I have been working with since this Summer (2016) is my feminine power and energy.   One question I have to examine before that is: What makes me a wombman?

Am I a wombman defined by the length of my hair? Is my identity formed by the clothes that I wear? Or is it my strut, the way that I choose to carry my being? Free, authentic, real. As real as I am able to be, as I am able to reach. Because becoming real is still a process I am living in. Every day I get realer with my being first, and naturally with the world around me. I am the world around me, and the world around me lives in me. We are reflecting back to each other that what lies within me. Projecting all that I need to face within my self into the outside world, attracting all that I need to attract so that I can learn from it and grow more and more into my true self. 

Being a wombman was always loaded with expectation, ”how it has to be”, pressure from society, culture, morals and values. As a child my feminine and masculine energy were balanced, flowing freely in and out one another without any issues. It was when puberty hit me that all confusion came right on along. Oversexualized images of women I looked up to, made it seem as if that was what a women should be: An object of admiration for teen girls that want to become her, and man that lust for her. Yet, my personality did not agree with that. I always had been the more tomboyish type that liked to wear jeans and sneakers, and did not mind to climb trees and get ”dirty” in a non sexual way. Somehow my sexuality came natural to me, because I was very in tune with my body. I loved dancing and that got me in touch with my body and movements from a very young age. So I did not really think much of it and was pretty comfortable being me.

That was until my first relationship at 16 caused me to become very confused about who I was, but also about what I wanted not only sexually but also intimately. The confident, body aware, teen I once was slowly faded into the background and here was this girl that loathed herself. I started or should I say quit eating as healthy and regularly than I had been before. (Because all of a sudden I did not like my body image anymore). I lost a lot of weight. My social life disappeared, and where I once was fearless and always out and about, my controlling relationship caused me to develop a kind of phobia to go places by myself. Simply put: I had completely lost myself! This is also when I became very confused about what being a woman was all about, and because I had given away MY power to someone else, I slowly forgot about who I was and where my power was: within.

Fast forward to today, as I am writing this I am now a 27 year old woman. I have had phases in the last 11 years after this period of my life where I was all about my feminine energy: Heals, make up, fashion, nail polish, the whole shebang. But did I do that because I wanted to or did I do that because I thought that was what I was supposed to do? That is up for debate. Then there were periods in time where I was boyish: Always wearing baggy clothes, acting all tough, trying to mask this vulnerable sensitive woman I had inside of me who was terrified of being hurt again. Confusion, confusion, confusion.

I must say that I am in a good place. I do not feel the pressure anymore of trying to fit into a mold that others created for me. More and more I am allowing myself to go with what I feel and what I want, instead of letting my sensitivity come in and influence the way I carry myself in order to please others. A wombman is a wombman because that is how God created her. There are so many variations of that beautiful and powerful creature, just as there are beautiful variations in every other entity in nature: God created variety. That is why we should never try and measure our selves with standards that lie outside of self. No other being can ever tell us what it means to be us.

Only I can decide for me how I choose to express myself.

Only I can decide how I choose to carry myself.

There is no shame in how I choose to behave.

I am allowed to own my body, my sexuality and my energy as a whole.

As a thinker I always had a tendency to think in black or white. This made the chaos, of constant thoughts flowing in and out, easier to digest. It was simply labeled: GOOD THINGS – BAD THINGS – REPEAT – DELETE- and so on.
Growing and reflecting has given me the inner knowing and understanding that this is not representative of the Truth. We just cannot label everything! Things just are the way they are, and the way we perceive them is where we have to look for answers. So if I feel that I am not feminine enough but carry more masculine energy around, what does this perception say about the way I am in this moment? How am I feeling? What am I attracting? What vibration am I on?

These moments of going inward help me with self acceptance and allowing me to be authentic in my being without judgement. I really need to remind myself at times that I am enough, I am worthy and I am a wombman regardless of how I carry myself. The most important task in all of this is that I keep one thing in mind, body and soul: It all starts and ends with self love. As a wombman I am a divine healer, nurturer and mother. Therein lies a HUGE part of my power. If I want to reclaim that power I need to start using it on my self first. Be my own healer, nurturer and mother first. Tapping into the wisdom and guidance of those that came before me. Reconnecting with the Divine Mother Earth. Trusting my own intuition and the wisdom of my Yoni and Womb again. Stepping into my power by reclaiming all that was forgotten and lost into this rigid system that was build to conquer, dominate and destroy. Ultimately, THIS all is what makes me a wombman.

Love and blessings,

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Surya Tanya